A 'Happy' Christmas Miracle

Raising two kids on my own was really hard sometimes.  Not the kids themselves.  I’ve always been blessed to have them in my life; they are what kept me going, kept me sane, kept me learning and growing, kept me connected and loving.

The Christmas season of 1999 found me working full-time, but without resources.  My job meant that I was away from my kids for 12 hours each day.  Eight hours working, an hour lunch – and three hours spent traveling back and forth between home, babysitter, work; then work, babysitter, home.  I used my crockpot a lot back then, simply to insure that my kids had a decent meal instead of a quick box of macaroni for dinner.  To give me time to spend with them in the few hours we had each evening.  We were, simply, living paycheck to paycheck and there was seldom anything extra.

 As Christmas approached, I worked on making each of the kids a gift and managed to set aside a total of $30 to spend on presents.  The pictures above are of the wooden checkerboard that I made for my son - all of the small dots, the birds, even the campfire, were painted using toothpicks, lol!

My daughter had always loved snow globes.  She called them “Happys”.  And, two days before Christmas,  a nearby store had a beautiful Happy on sale.  Off to the store I went and felt so thrilled that they still had a few left!  I made my purchase and, as I walked out the door, the bag was knocked out of my hand.  That beautiful Happy fell to the pavement and broke into a dozen pieces!

I was as shattered as that precious snow globe!  I walked a few steps through the throng of last minute shoppers, braced myself against a wall, and burst into tears.  I was so devastated!

And then a man and woman approached me and asked if I was okay.  I sobbed and told them, between gulps of air, what had happened.  This wonderful woman stayed, talking to me, reassuring me, giving me the gift of her comfort and care.  The man left, but I didn’t really notice.

And then the man was back.  He held a bag out to me and insisted that I look inside.  They had replaced that beautiful Happy and gifted it to me.  And then they simply wished me a Merry Christmas and walked away.

The enormity of what they did was so much more than the cost of the Happy.  That they took the time to stop; that they cared enough to give of themselves and make a difference for a woman and a child that they didn’t know.  They blessed me in so many ways that evening!  And I have tried, since then, to always pay it forward; to see others through the eyes of love that I felt looking upon me then. 

It doesn’t take a lot to lift someone else up.  Making a difference doesn’t require a huge investment of time or money.  Sometimes the small things are huge things in disguise, a grace that makes life sparkle and shine with love and possibilities.

It’s been twelve years and the gift that those two gave to me has never left me.  Remembering, as I’m doing now, can still bring tears to my eyes.  I’ve never forgotten; never stopped feeling gratitude.  They left a legacy of love and generosity within me.  And that legacy expresses itself in my own ability to be thankful, even for the seemingly small blessings in my life, and to give of myself and my resources as and when I can.  It may be a few encouraging words, an expression of love or something more tangible - but there is always something to give.

Wishing you many blessings and miracles of your own, no matter how you celebrate the season.  And may you find grace and gratitude in each day of this coming year.

Obstacles As Opportunity

‎"Just because the road ahead is long, is no reason to slow down. Just because there's much work to be done, is no reason to get discouraged. It's a reason to get started, to grow, to find new ways, to reach within you and discover strength, commitment, determination, discipline. Right now you may be at the beginning of the journey. What a great place to be! Just imagine all the things you’ll learn, all the people you’ll meet, the experiences you’ll have. Be thankful that the road is long and challenging, because that's where you’ll find the best that life has to offer!" — Ralph Marston

 

Living with chronic illness, at least for me, means that every change or altered circumstance requires an adjustment that can alter routines that I depend on in order to function well.  And those adjustments take time; they take a commitment to work it through, to find ways to incorporate the changes into a new routine that doesn’t take away from hard won progress.

I’m in the midst of that process now and, sometimes, I simply resent the time and energy it takes.  Why?  Because it doesn’t leave me enough to do the things I truly love – to make art, to create in some way, to produce something positive or interact with things outside of myself.

But change is the only constant in life and how we deal with change defines our journey.    I allow myself some momentary angst, frustration or even self pity – almost always with a set limit, and always knowing that it’s an act of release that allows me to move into a greater energy of determination and discovery.

And so I make the effort to stay connected, even if the effort is necessarily small.  I continue to read, to learn, to explore even when I’m not currently capable of applying those things in concrete ways.  I’m in a place right now where I can be inspired, but don’t have the focus or the energy to actively follow that inspiration.  I’m not making art; not art journaling; not creating with my hands; so for now, I keep track of those inspirations and note them down so that I can return to them later.   To not be accepting of where I am would only delay the changes that I need to make. 

 

I choose instead to see my current obstacles as opportunities to find new ways of moving forward; new ways of living my life in the best way possible.  I am more than my illness, more than my disabilities, more than any obstacle that life could provide.

Every chance to rework the way I live my life is also a chance to be more authentically me; to be more present and more alive.   I haven’t yet gotten to the place where I can say that I’ve befriended my illness or my disabilities, but I AM learning to befriend myself, with all of my quirks and challenges.  It’s a progression, an inherent part of growth.  I can’t help but feel that the point at which I am able to embrace even what I may now see and experience as negatives will be the point when I truly transcend them. 

For now, I’m grateful to the people and the community that I’ve gathered around me.  For your generosity of spirit and abundance of creativity, for your patience and understanding, and for the inspiration that fuels my days.

When Life is Overwhelming…

I really debated whether or not to make this post; to bring out something so personal.  But my journey isn’t just about me.  I’m not alone in living with chronic illness, with having multiple life and health challenges, with being a survivor of sorrow and pain.  Perhaps what I write will speak to you with whispers of hope or intimations of healing.  It is my heartfelt wish that, in sharing our journeys, we can share and support each other in our healings as well. 

We may not have the details in common, but the underpinnings of our lives will always have commonalities.  We share the human experience and are connected in so many, many ways, both seen and unseen and we are NOT alone.  We are never truly alone.  Hang on to that thought – embrace it, believe it!  You are NOT alone!

One of the outcomes of my dealing with fibro, disabilities, and loss of all income has been a huge grieving process and the brief dissolution of my already shaky self-worth.  Overwhelm??  Definite, absolute and mind boggling overwhelm!  My tolerance for all things outside of myself telescoped to the extent that being around anything even mildly stimulating – people, conversation or noise, too much input or information – would trigger feelings of being overwhelmed.  As though my body and mind were screaming “Enough!  Enough already!  I’ve already got too much on my plate and I can’t digest any more!”   

I’ve always been an introvert, but this is like being the mother ship of introversion!  At a time when I most need to feel connected, to feel involved with life, my being seems to experience overwhelm and simply starts to shut down.  And that overwhelm translates into disorientation, anxiety, exhaustion, sometimes as panic and often as fibro fog.

All my life I’ve considered myself strong and resilient; I’ve always bounced back.  Through childhood, through multiple miscarriages, through divorce, through homelessness and so much more.  Like a soap opera heroine, I’ve always triumphed over the dark.  Until recently. And I’ve been hard on myself; I’ve judged myself weak and lacking. I questioned and doubted so many things that I believed about myself.

While meeting with a counselor yesterday, I had several “Aha!” moments.  The biggest one came about when he asked me how I had dealt with the level of abuse that I’d experienced while growing up.  I responded that I often had out of body experiences; that I disconnected from what was happening.  And that doing so helped me to survive; helped me to keep my core – my spirit and my heart – safe.  And I realized that that is essentially what I’m doing now.  The abuse isn’t there, but so much of life is overwhelming, and I’ve brought into play tools that worked for me in the past – that disconnection, the disorientation. Simply having that insight has been profound, allowing me to be compassionate towards, and more gentle with, myself.

I know that there are better tools; there are ways to address all of the things I’m experiencing.  The evolution of my life and my spirit require tools that do more than simply allow me to survive.  I also need to grow and thrive and continue transforming myself and my life in ways that are meaningful, uplifting and affirming.  With  40 or so added years of living, I’m more than ready; more than willing!

I’m discovering that there is a positive side to overwhelm, and how I experience it depends on the focus that I choose.  For me, part of the answer has been reconnecting, in new and wonderful ways, with my innate creativity.  Collage, altered art and most recently, art journaling; they’ve all played a part.  Remembering to “keep it in kindergarten” and not worrying about what others think of what I create, but simply creating for the joy of it!

 The connections that I’ve made via my creativity and the warmth, support and encouragement that I’ve received are such tremendous gifts too!  Even being gifted with this blog and learning how to be here; remembering how to write, having this special space to connect and communicate is part of the answer.  My steps may be small and halting, but how I dearly treasure every one of them, knowing that those steps will become strides.

I’m looking forward to discovering even more tools and techniques to wrap around my soul, to bring more vibrancy, energy and healing into my life.  A new adventure; new discoveries; new ways of being.  And I’m so very grateful to have you here.  Every word, every wish, every interaction, every touch of your humanity, heart and wisdom are wondrous things to me.   

That I am still here – and yes, still alive - is testament to the light I’ve found within each of you.  This is the kind of overwhelm that I can live with – the gratitude and grace that you engender in me.   

Your Soul is Starving—Feed It!.

I have to admit to sometimes forgetting to eat.  I forget to eat breakfast often.  I forget to eat lunch on occasion.  It’s a habit that has its roots in poverty, when, as a single parent, I often chose to skip meals so that my children had enough to eat.  A time when popcorn was all that I could afford to take to work for my lunches.  Skipping meals is still a habit that I am constantly trying to change, possibly a bigger challenge because, with my illness and disabilities, I’m not able to expend a lot of energy or burn a lot of calories. 

What I do know is that I can be happy without feeding my body 3+ times a day, but forgetting to feed my soul can darken every moment, every perception, and every experience and can even worsen my symptoms and intensify my pain.  I think that, for each of us, remembering to feed our souls is as necessary as breathing.  It’s what keeps us balanced, hones our inner strength and resiliency, nurtures our connection to self, to others and to life and gives us cause for gratitude and celebration no matter which path our lives take.

There are many, many ways to feed your soul.  This list is just a beginning, so I invite you to add to it or to create your own list.  Feel free to share if you’re so called – I’d love to see what each of you comes up with! 

 I’ll start off with these:

•  Cultivate and practice awareness of, and find joy in, the small things, the things that might be overlooked in the bustle of your life. 
• Find your own unique way to piece the fragments of life together. 
• Acknowledge beauty in its many forms; make eye contact with people; savor life! 
• Pick a wildflower, send a blessing to a stranger, smile for no reason, walk barefooted in the grass, appreciate the turning of the leaves or the budding of flowers – nurture an awareness of the seasons and the elements. 
• Watch the stars come out at night; look for ‘the man in the moon’, watch the sun go down, or enjoy the freshness of dawn. 
• Look for shapes in the clouds. Sing in the shower, chant, dance in the dining room, practice affirmations, give thanks, laugh at every opportunity! 
• Give a hug, accept a hug; give a true compliment, and learn to accept them too. 
• Enjoy a fresh breeze on a warm day, a good book, the wind in the trees, the color of the sky at sunset or dawn (those of you who are photographers know why these times of day are termed “the magic hour”).  
• Above all, embrace, appreciate and celebrate yourself and the miracle of life and love that you are!  The world would truly be less without  you.

Feeling Catty Today?

Feeling catty today?  Oh, I am; I definitely am.
It feels like one of those days where my "claws" are just a split second from being unsheathed (though I'm not dangerous, really!)  One of those "don't you dare mess with me!" days.
Not that I'm in a bad mood.  Not at all.  I feel  happy, connected, centered. It's just that my tolerance level for general B.S. is low.  Living with a chronic illness and enjoying my sanity/groundedness translates into not having the energy to spare for things that make life more difficult.  I don't want drama; I don't want judgement - and I don't want negative attitude!  I triumphed over despair, fear and negativity last week and I want and need the space, and grace, to celebrate and enjoy the gifts that I've garnered.
I need those gifts to settle in to my soul and grow deep roots.  If I nurture those gifts, feed those roots, then perhaps in time I won't feel the need for claws - symbolic or real - and protecting the wild, wonderful core of myself will be automatic and easy.
Befriending and healing my own pain, triggers and past is an on-going process that I'm extremely grateful for.  But it IS an ongoing process; a constant learning and reaffirming - a practice.  And I've finally arrived at the point where the practice is easier; where I shift more easily and where the gifts are greater than the grief.   As I've always told my kids, practice makes perfect (or as close to it as we can get).
Having your claws on stand-by, feeling catty, doesn't make you a witch or a bitch.  It means you've developed an awareness of, and willingness to protect, your boundaries.  It means that you're learning to listen to the deepest, grandest part of yourself and to honor that.  So...are you feeling catty today?