Creativity from the Couch

This is a project done while I was relegated to the couch during my recent extended flare up of fibromyalgia and pain.

One of the things that I dreaded about flare ups was that my ability and energy for creating would drastically drop or disappear altogether. I wanted and needed a way to work around that when it happened.

I decided to organize a few supplies that I could easily access, keep near me on the couch, and use on my roughest days. I repurposed several large styrofoam meat trays - the kind you get when you buy a family pack of meat.

They work perfectly, with enough room for a few supplies, and they stack and store well in my craft closet.

The project that you see in the photos here (except for the frames) was made using the supplies on one tray. On that tray, I stored pages from a vintage book and hymnal; homemade alcohol ink sprays, brads, several colors of acrylic paint, tissue paper and thin wire.

Using the book pages, I cut each shape out by hand and then colored them with the sprays (except for the tissue paper). I followed up with assembling each flower and butterfly individually. Each day, I stored whatever I had made in small ziploc bags; partly for organization and partly to keep them out of easy reach of my grandson, lol.

For this project, I painted the backgrounds in acrylic and then layered over that with tissue paper. I used the same tissue paper in both pictures. I arranged flowers and butterflies on the background and, once I was happy with the composition, I attached them to the background. I finished up by stamping a relevant quote or saying on each one.

I have these hanging on the wall above my desk, next to the bulletin board that I posted earlier. I smile every time I look at them!

Shared for Whatever You Want Wednesday at Free Pretty Things For You
Shared for Show and Tell Saturday at Be Different Act Normal
Show Off Your Stuff Party at Fireflies and Jellybeans

Thank You Brené Brown

Brené recently had a post titled ‘The Worst Advice EVER’ that really hit home for me.  In her post, she writes about her take on a little piece of advice that I’m sure all of  us have heard at some point – ‘You can rest when you’re done!’  You can read her post here The Worst Advice Ever

Living with chronic illness and disabilities is an ongoing, daily and often, a moment-by-moment process of redefining my way of being in the world.  I’ve often been given advice along the lines of ‘You just have to try harder’; ‘You need to make more of an effort’ or the related ‘You’re not trying hard enough’  and ‘you can be sick when you’re done’.    Then there’s that two edged sword that some people try to bring into play, comparing my situation with someone elses.  ‘So-and-so has chronic illness too, but it doesn’t seem to stop her.  She never uses it as an excuse!’

Do I need to mention the guilt I used to feel (and I admit I sometimes still do) at hearing those?  Yes, I think I do.  They are comments given by well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances.  People who really have no concept or understanding of what it is to be me; to live my life on a daily basis; or even to simply live with chronic illness and chronic pain.  Words that are meant lovingly and offered as a gift instead become judgment.  And those judgments have the power to create heartache, self-doubt and blame, hardship and yes, physical pain!

I ask you to keep in mind that, if I share something of what I’m experiencing, I am not making excuses.  I am not asking for or expecting your sympathy, your pity.  I am simply expressing a part of my reality.  I ask you also to remember that what I (or any of us!) experience each day, and how I experience it, is going to be different from everyone else – even those who share the same exact illness and disabilities.  Our coping mechanisms, our various boundaries, our tolerance levels, our experiences will ALL be different and defined by our individuality.

 I can only speak from my own experience; I can only validate myself.  ‘You can rest when you’re done’ has a totally different meaning within the context of my life.  For me, resting when I’m done means learning to honor myself by listening to my body’s cues.  It means finding my own stopping and starting points in everything that I do.  It means learning to live in the moment and also learning to be gentle with myself. 

How I wish that those were skills that I was able to learn BEFORE becoming ill…because I firmly believe that having those core skills would have helped me to avoid becoming ill to begin with. 

If you like the artwork that I'm showing here, I've made it available for you to print!  Just go to  Be Gentle With Yourself then right click and choose 'print'.  Let me know if you print it...this is the first time I've made something available for printing and I'd love to know!

A Hero's Heart

I had trouble picking up the coffee pot this morning.  Arthritis…I think I have more trouble with the psychological aspects than the pain, I really do.  

I’m remembering being 31 and beating two grown men who jumped me.  I had just had my daughter two months before (a Caesarian) and she was in her car seat, in the car, when I was attacked.  I remember other times when physical strength was a blessing…not just during times of crisis, but in daily life.  In being able to do things for myself and hold my own when working with others.  

1988

And when my legs, feet and lower spine started affecting my ability to walk and stand I can remember how precious and exciting it was to discover kayaking.  It was an activity that I could do using my upper body strength; it allowed me to be and feel active and I loved it – until I became ill with fibro.

1996

But even with the fibro, I could still lift coffee pots.  More than anything else that my body has experienced, the arthritis makes me feel weak.  Makes me feel helpless and dependent.  I’m struggling with that right now.  I know the pain is related to the cold weather, with temps below 30 degrees many mornings.  And I know that I’ll adjust and adapt, it’s just being in the ‘how’ stage that is uncomfortable.

Multiple crises in my life have taught me that I am strong.  Not just physically, but emotionally as well.  I am not afraid of taking action; I’m not afraid of stepping in and doing what needs to be done or of defending others when it's needed.  

 I have no idea where it came from, but I have a hero’s heart.  I can see that so clearly now.  And that heart has made a difference, not just for me, but for others as well.

From living through a revolution in a ‘third world’ country at the age of 6; surviving years of abuse and neglect; an abusive marriage; many, many multiple miscarriages and a near death experience; being hit by a car; single parenthood and poverty; to surviving a bombing and the resulting homelessness at the age of 36, I have survived.  

 

In being called to work in social services; in advocating for myself and others; in speaking in public and giving workshops; in using my life experiences as fuel to make a difference; I have survived.

I have been true to what has meaning in my life and am learning more and more to be true to myself .  I have grown, I have triumphed and I KNOW that there are so many different kinds of strength other than the physical.

If I hold these memories close right now, it is because they remind me of who I am and what I’m capable of.  They give me strength for this part of my journey, traveling through my personal ‘undiscovered country’ and seeking new ways of being in the world.

2010

 

Yes, I may have trouble lifting the coffee pot.  But I can still hold my grandson and hug my kids!  I can still create and craft.  I can write, type and read.  I can advocate.  And I can see, feel and cherish all the good, all the light, that life has to offer.  I’m still learning.  Part of the wonder of being human is our ability to learn, to change, to adapt, to grow and to choose, in each moment, what our perceptions and focus will be.   

What are you choosing? 

Obstacles As Opportunity

‎"Just because the road ahead is long, is no reason to slow down. Just because there's much work to be done, is no reason to get discouraged. It's a reason to get started, to grow, to find new ways, to reach within you and discover strength, commitment, determination, discipline. Right now you may be at the beginning of the journey. What a great place to be! Just imagine all the things you’ll learn, all the people you’ll meet, the experiences you’ll have. Be thankful that the road is long and challenging, because that's where you’ll find the best that life has to offer!" — Ralph Marston

 

Living with chronic illness, at least for me, means that every change or altered circumstance requires an adjustment that can alter routines that I depend on in order to function well.  And those adjustments take time; they take a commitment to work it through, to find ways to incorporate the changes into a new routine that doesn’t take away from hard won progress.

I’m in the midst of that process now and, sometimes, I simply resent the time and energy it takes.  Why?  Because it doesn’t leave me enough to do the things I truly love – to make art, to create in some way, to produce something positive or interact with things outside of myself.

But change is the only constant in life and how we deal with change defines our journey.    I allow myself some momentary angst, frustration or even self pity – almost always with a set limit, and always knowing that it’s an act of release that allows me to move into a greater energy of determination and discovery.

And so I make the effort to stay connected, even if the effort is necessarily small.  I continue to read, to learn, to explore even when I’m not currently capable of applying those things in concrete ways.  I’m in a place right now where I can be inspired, but don’t have the focus or the energy to actively follow that inspiration.  I’m not making art; not art journaling; not creating with my hands; so for now, I keep track of those inspirations and note them down so that I can return to them later.   To not be accepting of where I am would only delay the changes that I need to make. 

 

I choose instead to see my current obstacles as opportunities to find new ways of moving forward; new ways of living my life in the best way possible.  I am more than my illness, more than my disabilities, more than any obstacle that life could provide.

Every chance to rework the way I live my life is also a chance to be more authentically me; to be more present and more alive.   I haven’t yet gotten to the place where I can say that I’ve befriended my illness or my disabilities, but I AM learning to befriend myself, with all of my quirks and challenges.  It’s a progression, an inherent part of growth.  I can’t help but feel that the point at which I am able to embrace even what I may now see and experience as negatives will be the point when I truly transcend them. 

For now, I’m grateful to the people and the community that I’ve gathered around me.  For your generosity of spirit and abundance of creativity, for your patience and understanding, and for the inspiration that fuels my days.

The Element of Water

Week four of the Elements of Art Journaling workshop!  I am so far behind, between health and life issues, but glad to have finished my art journal spread.  I've been dealing with a major flare for the past week.  This one included major pain in both arms, making it almost impossible to move or lift them.  I'm so happy that the pain levels are ebbing and allowing me to do so many things that are usually taken for granted!

Being a water baby, I thought that this portion of the workshop would be a breeze but instead found it one of the most challenging.  The writing portion was easy, but processing what came up during the writing - well, not so much!

Still, I had fun experimenting with background techniques for the spread and used my white gelly roll pen for the first time.  I also used some sequin waste for the first time - gifted to me by a wonderful Wild.Precious friend.

The images that kept on coming up for me were rivers, mermaids and sea horses.  I played with drawing a mermaid, but then moved to simply drawing a face.  I hopped on over to Willowing's first lesson from her free Art, Heart and Healing workshop for a refresher.

 

The message "Be Gentle With Yourself" flowed out from the writing exercise.  Perhaps because of the intensity of my health and pain issues lately, I had a lot of self-judgement and frustration pop into my writing and my awareness.  Issues related to living with chronic disease and pain; with the changes and need for adaptation; with the grieving that they bring. 

Working through all of those emotions, I realized that this will be an on-going process.  It's not a one time, fix all kind of thing.  That judgment and frustration will visit me again, yet I have new tools with which to process them.  And, as I always told my kids, practice makes perfect - or as close to it as we can get.  

Oh, and part of the meaning of Seahorse as a totem?  

"When seahorses come to visit it means consider all the possibilities! Don't limit your perceptions based on preconceived notions because things are not always as they seem. Seahorses can also bring a message to not overdo or work yourself to the point of exhaustion. You should be sure that you are meeting all of your own needs before taking on too many other responsibilities."  (found at totemwisdom.com).


How perfect is that??

 

Elements of Art Journaling - Earth/Body

I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my last post - or that I've been ill for almost that long!  I've been trying to 'tough it out' since I don't currently have medical insurance, and it's definitely been tough dealing with whatever it is I have in addition to the fibromyalgia.

The focus for the second week of The Elements of Art Journaling is the element of earth and our bodies.  Being ill, the biggest concept I found in my mind for this was "My body is a betrayer!" followed by phrases such as bones, death, caverns, pain and mud.  Every inch of my body seemed to be hurting, so I definitely wasn't in a good place when thinking of my body and its multitude of relationships to the Earth element.

I decided to do a two part journal page.  One page to express my initial feelings, which I then covered over to make way for more positive perspectives.  This was a technique that I learned last year while taking a workshop on Willowing's site called "Art, Heart & Healing".

The image that kept coming to mind as I worked on the original page was a painting done by Frida Kahlo which showed a multitude of nails being driven into her body.   It just seemed a perfect representation of what I was experiencing!  After scanning that first page, I journaled about the negativity, the pain, the frustrations of being ill and of dealing with chronic illness and disabilities too. 

It took quite a bit of introspection, getting myself centered and grounded, before I could start work on the second half of my project.   I love that I felt so supported and encouraged to do that work - simply by watching the videos and following the suggestions given in the workshop materials and by popping into the group on better days to get my 'fix' of positivity, glitter and warm fuzzies!  I only had the energy to briefly lurk, but that didn't diminish any of the things that I've so come to love about Wild.Precious.  

Your Soul is Starving—Feed It!.

I have to admit to sometimes forgetting to eat.  I forget to eat breakfast often.  I forget to eat lunch on occasion.  It’s a habit that has its roots in poverty, when, as a single parent, I often chose to skip meals so that my children had enough to eat.  A time when popcorn was all that I could afford to take to work for my lunches.  Skipping meals is still a habit that I am constantly trying to change, possibly a bigger challenge because, with my illness and disabilities, I’m not able to expend a lot of energy or burn a lot of calories. 

What I do know is that I can be happy without feeding my body 3+ times a day, but forgetting to feed my soul can darken every moment, every perception, and every experience and can even worsen my symptoms and intensify my pain.  I think that, for each of us, remembering to feed our souls is as necessary as breathing.  It’s what keeps us balanced, hones our inner strength and resiliency, nurtures our connection to self, to others and to life and gives us cause for gratitude and celebration no matter which path our lives take.

There are many, many ways to feed your soul.  This list is just a beginning, so I invite you to add to it or to create your own list.  Feel free to share if you’re so called – I’d love to see what each of you comes up with! 

 I’ll start off with these:

•  Cultivate and practice awareness of, and find joy in, the small things, the things that might be overlooked in the bustle of your life. 
• Find your own unique way to piece the fragments of life together. 
• Acknowledge beauty in its many forms; make eye contact with people; savor life! 
• Pick a wildflower, send a blessing to a stranger, smile for no reason, walk barefooted in the grass, appreciate the turning of the leaves or the budding of flowers – nurture an awareness of the seasons and the elements. 
• Watch the stars come out at night; look for ‘the man in the moon’, watch the sun go down, or enjoy the freshness of dawn. 
• Look for shapes in the clouds. Sing in the shower, chant, dance in the dining room, practice affirmations, give thanks, laugh at every opportunity! 
• Give a hug, accept a hug; give a true compliment, and learn to accept them too. 
• Enjoy a fresh breeze on a warm day, a good book, the wind in the trees, the color of the sky at sunset or dawn (those of you who are photographers know why these times of day are termed “the magic hour”).  
• Above all, embrace, appreciate and celebrate yourself and the miracle of life and love that you are!  The world would truly be less without  you.

Feeling Catty Today?

Feeling catty today?  Oh, I am; I definitely am.
It feels like one of those days where my "claws" are just a split second from being unsheathed (though I'm not dangerous, really!)  One of those "don't you dare mess with me!" days.
Not that I'm in a bad mood.  Not at all.  I feel  happy, connected, centered. It's just that my tolerance level for general B.S. is low.  Living with a chronic illness and enjoying my sanity/groundedness translates into not having the energy to spare for things that make life more difficult.  I don't want drama; I don't want judgement - and I don't want negative attitude!  I triumphed over despair, fear and negativity last week and I want and need the space, and grace, to celebrate and enjoy the gifts that I've garnered.
I need those gifts to settle in to my soul and grow deep roots.  If I nurture those gifts, feed those roots, then perhaps in time I won't feel the need for claws - symbolic or real - and protecting the wild, wonderful core of myself will be automatic and easy.
Befriending and healing my own pain, triggers and past is an on-going process that I'm extremely grateful for.  But it IS an ongoing process; a constant learning and reaffirming - a practice.  And I've finally arrived at the point where the practice is easier; where I shift more easily and where the gifts are greater than the grief.   As I've always told my kids, practice makes perfect (or as close to it as we can get).
Having your claws on stand-by, feeling catty, doesn't make you a witch or a bitch.  It means you've developed an awareness of, and willingness to protect, your boundaries.  It means that you're learning to listen to the deepest, grandest part of yourself and to honor that.  So...are you feeling catty today?