Monday, April 16, 2012

Thank You Brené Brown

Brené recently had a post titled ‘The Worst Advice EVER’ that really hit home for me.  In her post, she writes about her take on a little piece of advice that I’m sure all of  us have heard at some point – ‘You can rest when you’re done!’  You can read her post here The Worst Advice Ever
Living with chronic illness and disabilities is an ongoing, daily and often, a moment-by-moment process of redefining my way of being in the world.  I’ve often been given advice along the lines of ‘You just have to try harder’; ‘You need to make more of an effort’ or the related ‘You’re not trying hard enough’  and ‘you can be sick when you’re done’.    Then there’s that two edged sword that some people try to bring into play, comparing my situation with someone elses.  ‘So-and-so has chronic illness too, but it doesn’t seem to stop her.  She never uses it as an excuse!’

Do I need to mention the guilt I used to feel (and I admit I sometimes still do) at hearing those?  Yes, I think I do.  They are comments given by well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances.  People who really have no concept or understanding of what it is to be me; to live my life on a daily basis; or even to simply live with chronic illness and chronic pain.  Words that are meant lovingly and offered as a gift instead become judgment.  And those judgments have the power to create heartache, self-doubt and blame, hardship and yes, physical pain!

I ask you to keep in mind that, if I share something of what I’m experiencing, I am not making excuses.  I am not asking for or expecting your sympathy, your pity.  I am simply expressing a part of my reality.  I ask you also to remember that what I (or any of us!) experience each day, and how I experience it, is going to be different from everyone else – even those who share the same exact illness and disabilities.  Our coping mechanisms, our various boundaries, our tolerance levels, our experiences will ALL be different and defined by our individuality.

 I can only speak from my own experience; I can only validate myself.  ‘You can rest when you’re done’ has a totally different meaning within the context of my life.  For me, resting when I’m done means learning to honor myself by listening to my body’s cues.  It means finding my own stopping and starting points in everything that I do.  It means learning to live in the moment and also learning to be gentle with myself. 

How I wish that those were skills that I was able to learn BEFORE becoming ill…because I firmly believe that having those core skills would have helped me to avoid becoming ill to begin with. 

If you like the artwork that I'm showing here, I've made it available for you to print!  Just go to  Be Gentle With Yourself then right click and choose 'print'.  Let me know if you print it...this is the first time I've made something available for printing and I'd love to know!

26 comments:

  1. This is such an amazing and well-stated post. I wholeheartedly agree, and wish I had said those words. How many times I've felt exactly this, but been unable to express it succinctly. I may not print your art, but I think I will print the post and build a page to keep it in my mental health journal! Love ya!!
    ~ky

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    1. Thanks so much Kyra! You might not have said the words, but feel free to borrow them :) I'm flattered that you want to print the post!

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  2. I love this page, and this important reminder. How generous of you to enable printing of this! I love Brene Brown, by the way. Heard her Vulnerability Talks and was blown away.

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    1. I've just discovered Brene but I like what I've read so far. Thanks for letting me know that you enjoyed the post Brianne!

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  3. I am glad you are posting on this subject. People say those things to me all the time. I get mad and hurt at the same time. They have no concept of living with several chronic illnesses.

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    1. Susan, I know just how hurtful it can be. If there's someone in your life that might benefit, please feel free to share the post with them. Maybe it would help them understand the effect that their words can have. Sending you gentle hugs!

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  4. Cynthia, you have done well! I am so proud of you. What a creative and talented person you truly are.

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    1. Cassandra, thank you so much!! To get such a beautiful compliment from someone that I admire is wonderful. I've always been lucky to have you in my life <3

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  5. Though I don't have a physical chronic illness, I do have depression that sometimes pushes its sad face into mine. Anything anyone says at all when I'm at a low place serves to turn me into the mayor of Crazy Town, whether it is malicious or not.

    I know it isn't exactly the same, but it is in the same vein that we should all be gentle with ourselves. Even when I'm balanced, I'm extremely hard on myself, so I really love your printable.

    I'm pinning it and plan to print it. Thank you!

    PS-Stopping over from SITS. :)

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    1. Yay Tricia! So nice to have you visit via SITS. I had to take a deep breath before posting there, lol.
      I have to share that I've just been diagnosed with situational depression - and this particular piece of art was inspired by my struggle to move beyond that.
      I'm totally jazzed that you're pinning and printing it and I hope that it serves to inspire you. Thank you so much!

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  6. This is a wonderful, lovely post. I am so glad you're speaking up about this. I, too, am so tired of the idea that everyone works the same way. It just isn't so.

    I am definitely printing your artwork to hang in my office - thanks SO much for sharing it!

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    1. Thanks for visiting from SITS Girls - and for the wonderful words and the compliment of printing my art :)
      I enjoyed my visit to your blog - love your sense of humor!

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  7. What a FANTASTIC post. Came over via SITS and I am so glad I did. :)

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    1. Ashley, thank you :) I love the tone and the voice of your blog, so I'm now following by email!

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  8. Stopping by from SITS girls http://queenofsavings.com

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    1. Yay Justine! I'm really enjoying my involvment with SITS Girls :) Thanks for following this blog too. Have you checked out my new one? It's http://TheBottomlessHeart.blogspot.com

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  9. I am visiting from SITS too! i deal with a chronic illness to and i can relate to how you feel. i started my blog too as a way to focus on my small victories everyday rather than comparing myself to other supermoms. i am not the same as everyone else. RA makes me unique, it makes me work harder for those simple things many others take for granted. just taking it one day at a time and its so true you have to listen to your bodys clues. i guess RA forces me to pay more attention to my body, because if i ignore it, i only flare and hurt worse. i am sorry you have to deal with a chronic illness but i am glad you have such a positive attitude in taking care of yourself. take care, tanya

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    1. Tanya, I love that you blog about book and recipe reviews - and intersperse those posts with bits of your daily life. I'm definitely following!
      I know it's a struggle and having small children has it's own challenges, but I love your attitude :)
      Small victories for those with bottomless hearts aren't small at all - they're huge. I hope that you always celebrate them, and yourself. <3

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  10. Thank you for this post; it really encouraged me to put the same limits on myself. Though not the worst of chronic illnesses by a long shot, I have suffered from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for the last year. It started with a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, and then one of the cysts burst, mainly because my doctors ignored me and just said they were "cramps, take some midol." It was the worst pain I've ever been in.

    And being only 23, I am not willing to jump to a hysterectomy (I want babies!) so I've been going through hormonal treatment for the cysts, which leave me exhausted, moody, and very sore. My husband, bless his heart, tries to understand, but some days I can tell there's that feeling of "why isn't all the housework done?" or "why can't you just make dinner?"

    The people I have talked to about it brush it off similar to the way my doctors did, "Oh, isn't that just bad cramps? You have a harder menstrual cycle?" And they just don't get it.

    Thanks for letting me know someone out there does! Bless your heart!

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    1. Ashley, thank you for letting me know that my post is making a difference for you. That means so much more than I can say!
      I don't know a lot about PCOS but, in my 20's, I did have an ovary burst. The pain was so sudden and strong that it literally knocked me off my feet.
      Find your own rhythm Ashley; seek out the things that help you cope and keep a quality of life in your days. And, maybe, print up the journal page that I posted above as a reminder to always be gentle with yourself!

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  11. Thanx for this reminder. I was diagnosed with POCS as a teen and even tho I've hit menopause I'm sure it is still a factor in my moods, energy etc. I have a diagnosed mood disorder as well that includes panic/anxiety, insomnia and intermittent depression and/or brain fog that feels like a 50 pt drop in IQ. It may be bipolar but no official diagnosis of that. I also have chronic pain in many joints that isn't arthritis but also has no diagnosis.

    To top it all off I am legally blind with Retinitis Pigmentosa aka Tunnel Vision. I lost my peripheral vision in my twenties and it is now encroaching on the center vision. Can no longer read with my left eye.

    All of that sounds like a 'poor me' litany but I trust that you won't hear it that way.

    BTW I'm here from SIDS Girls Spring Fling

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  12. Dropping by from the SITS Spring Fling, and so glad I did. What a lovely, thoughtful post, and beautiful, beautiful artwork! Thank you for sharing your story and your art - very much appreciated.

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  13. Hi There!
    I'm following you back from What's cooking in the burbs. Your artwork is beautiful! I look forward to checking out the rest of your blog. Have a great week!

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  14. hi Cynthia, I love the poster and your blog :) (SITS)

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  15. Such a beautiful post and so true! Guilt is a bad little monkey with sharp teeth. ;-) Your gorgeous collage is the perfect reminder. Thank you for sharing your gentle spirit & your wise words. ox

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  16. So true. sometimes when I mention that I have fibro someone will say or my friend has that and she works full time or does this or that. Thank you for the reminder that we all deal with illness (even the same illness) differently. I blog about my illness at www.motheringfromdaytoday.blogspot.com.

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Thank you for leaving your comments; I read and appreciate them all! Cynthia